Grateful

I found this report online and I thought it was pretty incredible. It states, "Out of the 209 pregnancies ended at 23 weeks between 1998 and 2001 only 89 babies were born alive. Half of them received intensive treatment, but only 14 survived, the research found. By the time these 14 were aged 3, only 4 had no disabilities." Janet Carey, national executive, research and programs, for the charity SIDS and Kids.

Wow. When I read that I was actually pretty shocked by those numbers. I realize that this study was done 8-10 years ago, and medicine and technology has come so far even since then, but still, Emily's chances of even surviving were so slim. Emily is a little miracle. Her chances of having a normal healthy life are still threatened just by the fact she was born at 23 weeks and had a grade 2 brain bleed on one side. She is growing so fast already and is doing so well. It's hard sometimes to get things done around the house, because all I want to do is hold her! We feel so blessed to have her in our lives.

We feel so grateful to have had 17 wonderful days with Ethan as well. To have been able to hold his hands, touch his face and just be near him was such a beautiful feeling. He was so close to Heavenly Father and I feel so grateful for those glimpses that I got through him. There hasn't been a day that has gone by that I haven't thought about him, talked about him to the kids, or looked at his pictures. There are pictures, flowers, plants, a cast of his feet and hands and other little things throughout the house that remind us of our little boy because we never want to forget him or the feelings that we felt.

It was so hard to let him go, because we were already so attached to him. But knowing that he is in a far better place and that he doesn't have to go through all the challenges and disappointments in this life, that he is perfect and we will see and raise him again in the next life brings so much peace and happiness to us both. It really makes me strive everyday to be a better mom, wife, friend, sister and person. Maybe this experience is just what I needed to help me get back to our Heavenly Father, because with all my faults and shortcomings I might have some major difficulties!

Our little Ethan. I just love this picture of him.

So Emily is doing awesome. She is now about 8 1/2 pounds. She has been rolling over for about 2 weeks now. Almost everyday she has rolled over from her stomach to her back, one time even rolling over 5 times in a row! She can lift her head up with her arms and she grabs on to things; fingers, toys. She smiles and coos when we talk to her. She loves to be held and sang to. She is alert and likes to look around. We are so excited to see her accomplish and conquer these basic skills. We have heard many babies born at 23 weeks don't move very much, and their movements are very stiff. We feel so blessed that she is moving around so much and doing so well for everything she has been through. She is such a fighter!

Emily continues to get her eyes examined almost every week. And although it's hard for me to witness as, they have to clamp her eyes open and use tools to move her eye all around inside, her eyes are doing well at this time. We are hoping and praying the vessels continue to grow in the right direction and that she will not have to have laser eye surgery. If however, the vessels start growing the wrong way it's possible she could be blind, but if they catch it in time (that's why they see her about every ten days) we would take her down to Salt Lake where they could do a Laser Eye Surgery which would prevent her from being totally blind. But I feel good that her eyes will continue to grow how they are suppose to.

Emily is still on oxygen...sort of. We have been weaning her off slowly the last week or so. The last two days we have been turning off her oxygen completely to see how she handles it. We have a monitor that lets us know what her oxygen levels are at and shows her heart rate so we can see exactly how it is affecting her and so far, so good! Yesterday she was off oxygen most of the entire day and night so we think she is probably ready to come off in the next day or two. I am pretty excited that I won't have to lug that oxygen tank everywhere I go anymore!

We feel so grateful for all the progress Emily is making and we know Ethan is cheering her on!

My last belly shot!

I thought I would post this picture of me as it was the last pregnancy picture taken before the twins were born. This picture was taken a few hours before we went in for our final ultrasound with the twins... The day that I got life flighted to Salt Lake. (April 15th)

Many Firsts! An ambulance ride, a jet plane journey and preterm labor!

Some of you have noticed that the poll on the right side of our blog at guessing the gender of our twins, has counted down the days over and over again at least 4 times now. At 13 weeks we found out what ONE of the babies is. I was going to announce it on our blog soon after, but I really wanted to announce them together since they are coming together. So I decided to wait until we found out what they both were. Each visit and ultrasound I had after that they just couldn't tell what the sex of the other baby is. Another month would pass, and again, they couldn't tell what the baby was.

Well at yesterday's ultrasound, not only did we finally find out what we are having, but this ultrasound started a new juorney for us that totally took us for a loop!

Everything was looking great with both babies, the heart, lungs, they both had the right amount of fingers and toes and belly botton holes. :) At the end of the appointment the ultrasound tech wanted to check my cervic with a vaginal ultrasound, but what came next was such a shock, that not even the ultrasound lady could keep a poker face. She let out a little "gasp", and a look of horror washed over her face. Followed by, "Ummm... I need to go talk to your doctor right now." We asked her what was wrong, and her reply was a stuttering, "Uh, well, umm, I, uh, your cervix... is not.... showing as much as it's... supposed to." And out of the room she flew!

As you can imagine Ryan and I were completely dumfounded and also confused and scared as to what the heck was going on. The doctor comes in and says immediately that I am to be life flighted to Salt Lake and hope these babies stay put before I get there!

"WHAT!?!"

I guess my cervix had dilated to a 3, and the baby's foot was down in the birth canal! I knew that I was feeling completely overwhelmed by so many things this last month and that I needed to take it easy, as I have had contractions here and there, but I didn't know I was dilated to a 3, or that one of the baby's feet was poking out!

The next thing I knew I was being strapped down to a gurney by four or five nurses, clothes being stripped off, while Ryan and I both start crying. They start poking me with needles in each bum, each arm, and thumb (ok, not my thumbs, just trying to rhymn! :)) and I was lucky enough to even be given my first ever... cathater! Boy was that intense! Yet, it was nothing compared to what I was going to experience next...

I was then loaded onto an ambulance and driven to the Pocatello Airport where I was tightly packed onto a six seater jet plane and life flighted to Salt Lake City. The airplane ride over was probably the scariest thing ...ok it WAS the scariest thing I have ever experienced besides not knowing if I was going to loose these babies.

After loading the plane and taking off, I realized how much I HATE to fly, especially in small planes! The turbulance and air pockets we hit were so bad I just knew we were going to be on the front page of the morning news the next day. Luckily, they gave me oxygen to try and calm me down as I stopped breathing dozen of times... and they had to keep telling me, I HAD to breathe, or these babies would be born on the plane!

We finally landed on the earth's solid ground and I don't think I have ever been more relieved in my whole life! I was then loaded onto another ambulance. And as it zips down the streets, I think, "Well, this will make for an interesting post." haha! :) I was joking the whole way to the hospital with the nurses and EMT's on board. I told them, "Well it's a blessing I have a nifty cathater on, as I would have peed my pants on the plane ride and made a terrible mess!" Joking around helps me relax, so I sure was making a fool of myself... it was great! :)

So now I am here, in Salt Lake, at the University of Utah Hospital. Ryan's mom was able to drive up to be with me as I told Ryan to stay home and go to school. Our kids are with my parents, and I know they will take good care of them, but I miss them already!

Anyway they were able to get my contractions to stop and we have managed to keep the babies inside for now. I am exactly 23 weeks today, I guess I am a little off on my time chart on the side of my blog. I will have to stay in Utah on bedrest for the next two to three months or until these babies come, (hopefully not too soon) only getting up out of bed to go pee! Utah's hospital is better equipped to take care of the twins if they were to be born this early. They have a better chance of survival here rather than in Pocatello. So for now, I am just to take it day by day.

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Thank you all for your love, support and prayers!

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We also wanted to FINALLY report what we are having! Most of you know that at 13 weeks we knew one was a BOY!!! You can imagine how excited we are to be getting a BOY, especially Ryan. And I am happy to report that he is still showing to be ALL BOY!! ;)

We were pretty confident the other one was a girl, but didn't know for 100% sure that it was, and I guess technically there is no 100% sure way to know until they are actually born!

The other baby is....

(drumroll, please....)

A GIRL!!!!

We are super excited to be having another girl as we LOVE our girls!!!

So those of you 23 people that voted a boy and a girl- YOU ARE RIGHT! Those that voted something else, well YOU ARE WRONG! haha. Better luck next time...not on our blog of course! It would have to be someone else's! ;)

Pregnancy Humor

I have days where I just need a good laugh. Especially during these long pregnancy months, where my stomach is growing so rapidly that everyday I am finding shirts and pants getting tighter and tighter and gaining weight in areas that I don't enjoy, causing lots of stretching. So instead of dwelling on those things (TOO much) I cannot change, I thought maybe some humor was needed today!

Is it okay?
A lady, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you if its still okay..."
"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."


Proper Exercise while Pregnant
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"


Sum Ting Wong
A Chinese couple named Wong had a new baby. The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy definitely Caucasian white baby boy!
"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?"
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him "Sum Ting Wong."



-Some Funny Questions and Answers-

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.


Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.


Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.


Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

This cartoon is not about pregnancy, but I laughed when I saw it, as it reminded me of my own grandpa and little brother.

An update! Don't get TOO excited though.

I have had some mild requests/complaints as to why I am not updating my blog regularly anymore...I am assuming by these requests/complaints that my "reader satisfaction level" has gone down...drastically. Kidding! haha! I don't know why I haven't had the desire to blog or to even be on the computer as much. I have lost that "lovin' feeling" and need to get it back. I was thinking in many ways it's a good thing I am not on the computer as much. Yet, the more I think about it, I still managed to get nothing EXTRA done around the house or any new/old projects completed! One would think given all my extra time away from the blogging world that I would have created food masterpieces that even the Chef Ramsay would be impressed by! But sadly, I haven't done much of anything. So the question remains: What have I been up to then?

Well, making two babies of course! That's taken a lot of work, right? Sleeping a lot- taking naps, also thinking a lot. Yes, thinking and reading. I figure once the babies are here, I won't have time to use my brain much too just, think. I will be on auto-pilot doing the same things over and over again; feeding, changing diapers, laundry and cleaning up messes. That being able to think and read will become a thing of the past. And those certain parts of my brain will lay dormant for the next few years until one day all the kids will be able to fend for themselves and I will once again be able to pick up a book. So I am trying to savor the time I have to just think.

Last night I got the chance to talk to one of my best friends from high school, who's birthday is TODAY! (Happy Birthday Kimberly!!!) I was telling her that I have been feeling a lot better lately, in that I haven't been nearly as sick. I was also telling her that I haven't thrown up in two weeks! Except that track record was broken this moring... as all of a sudden as I was feeding Avery breakfast, I coughed and the next thing I knew I was standing over the garbage can, throwing up. Gross I know. Sorry if I made your breakfast come up. I still have moments where I feel nauseous, but it really is nothing like before! So I am thinking I am done with the whole sickness part of pregnancy, which I am so thankful that it went by fairly fast. Yet, I am always tired. I feel like I am always in a state of yawning. So, if you are talking to me and I start yawning, please don't be offended, I am just...tired. Just talking about yawning, makes me yawn, in fact in writing this post so far I have probably yawned over a dozen times at least! That's not a good sign...

Now that I have mastered THREE incredibly boring paragraphs, and have put most readers to sleep, especially those that took an interest in my 'lack of blogging' I suspect, won't be complaining about that ever again! :) Thanks for caring and enjoy reading my thoughts from my brain, however pathetic they might be.

Ok now to the picture of the growing belly... (I actually did my hair for once!)

There you have it. An Update!

New due date and ultrasound pictures

I had an ultrasound appointment on Thursday and I am happy to say I have a new due date, not that it matters all that much because with twins and having Madi and Avery early I am sure I will go much earlier than my due date, but it's nice to know I have less time than I actually thought. My due date is August 9th, but the ultrasound tech said they would probably be born July 9th or earlier. Four kids in four years...Crazy. And I thought life was crazy now, I have no idea what it's going to be like in just 5-6 months! Anyway here are more pics...

Baby A...Baby B...

Both A and B...(haha, it's funny calling our babies by letters in the alpahbet but for now that's what they are called. I should come up with something a little more...creative.) Anyway, this is a top view of both of their heads just chillin' side by side. My mom and Ryan were both there with me during the ultrasound because they, along with me, still couldn't believe there were two! They are each only about two inches long, but they were wiggling around so much, that it was weird to not be able to feel a thing! It was definitely fun to watch and ask the Ultrasound technologist lady questions about everything.

Thank you...

Dear Friends,

I was going to leave a comment and comment on all your comments but I want to make sure everyone knows how appreciative I am for your kindness, your concerns and your love. (Watch out, this post might get mushy!) I am deeply humbled that so many of you want to help in any way you can. I am grateful to all of you, for your kind words of encouragement, offers to bring dinner, take my kids, and even clean my house! I have gotten many emails, comments on here and on facebook, phone calls, and even visits from you, and I feel truly blessed to have such amazing friends and family that care so much about me and my family. So many of you expressed heartfelt sympathies and concerns for what I am going through, but I have to say I am also a bit embarrassed, as that was not my intention in writing that last post- to get sympathy. (What did I expect after complaining? ...I guess I wasn't expecting the outpouring of love that you all have shown me in more ways than just your comments. That just shows you what wonderful friends you are!) So I hope you don't think I am ungrateful for your kind words and your willingness to want to help. I am TRULY grateful! Just you-letting me know that you are there to help, if I need it (unless of course you have a cure for pregnancy sickness :) is all I could ever ask for.

It's a hard thing to do, to ask someone for their help. Everyone has their own families to look after and we all have busy lives, so it's extremely hard to ask for help. But it's humbling to know you all want to help in any way you can. I know when I find, make or am given an opportunity to serve others, that is the part of me that I like best. Finding, making or given a chance to serve, is finding and bringing out the person who I want to be and who, I hope the Lord wants me to be and is molding me into the person I need to be. This is true for all of us. I love the feeling when I am serving others and I always walk away feeling like it was more of a blessing for me than it was to the person I had the chance to serve.

I have never been good at asking for help, (I sure I can say, most of us feel that way). My mom has told me from time to time, "you need to let someone help you". In the last few weeks since finding out we are having twins, I have felt a little overwhelmed. Can you blame me? This is a lesson I am going to need to learn; To ask. And it's not going to be easy. I know when they are born, I will need all the help I can get; and asking for it is going to be one of my biggest challenges. I am not really sure why either. It's not that I feel I know everything (cuz wow...I really have no clue about anything!) or that I feel I am too proud to ask for help, it's more because I feel there are so many others MORE in need and that my little struggles aren't anything compared to some. You know what I mean?? I also feel that I have so many neighbors/friends that already do so much for me without me asking, that to ask for more help would just be...well, I don't know...??

Anyway, I didn't mean to turn this into a essay paper. (Now I need a conclusion paragraph. haha. just kidding.) What I want to say is, Thank you. Thank you for your willingness to serve. Thank you for your love that you have shown me. Thank you for your dear friendships. I am so blessed to know each of you. I love you!

Random thoughts from a pregnant woman...

I am due for a post (probably a few), and today's been a good health day for me, which is rare. So I have been thinking I should take advantage of this day while I am feeling, for the most part fairly well and write about what else but being pregnant. Hey, now there's a HOT topic! Especially for all us women that are either pregnant right now, have been pregnant and have 1 or more critters (That's what a nurse called my kids when I went in for my first checkup. She said, "So how many critters do you have?" uh, critters??) or those that just had a baby, and jokingly say, "I never want to that again!" and we all know what happens... before you know it, you’re pregnant again! :)

Some of you know my issues with pregnancy. Let's just say I am not a BIG fan. Sure the outcome is wonderful, and even the process of a baby developing is a miracle in itself! I found this picture and thought it was perfect. Children really are a gift from God.

So, I don't want to complain but I do want to talk about it and maybe someone else does too. Everyone goes through different things during their pregnancy (ies) and delivery, some worse than others, but we all have a story. So I thought I would share mine.

First of all, I do feel extremely blessed that the Lord would allow me to have two sweet girls to raise and that I can be sealed to them even after this life. They are such a joy in my life. My life would not be complete without them. They do the cutest things.... and also the grossest, but I try not to recall THOSE to memory if I can help it. haha. Though it's not always easy to raise kids, it's MOST definitely worth it. Just a moment ago, Avery walked into the room and pronounced that she was hungry by yelling, “giggle, giggle, giggle!!!" Which always makes me laugh! (Read down to previous post if that doesn't make sense to you.) And today Madi had a conversation with Ryan as he was heading to school that just made my heart melt.

Madi with much enthusiasm said, "Dad, I have a great idea!"

Ryan: "What's that Madi?"

Madi: "Well, how ab'ut if you stay home from school today and stay here with me. Isn't that a great idea, Dad?!"

I really do have so much to be grateful for that during my days of endless throwing up I try and think about those blessings. But believe me, it doesn't always work.

Monday was a really rough day for me. I threw up well over ten/fifteen times, lost count after awhile, and after one session of throwing up, I was laying there on the bed trying to catch my breath, blow my nose, wipe my eyes and grab a piece of gum to get the flavor of....well I shouldn't tell you that, you might want to barf yourself, let's just say it was gross. Nasty beyond all description. But as I was lying there I thought, I just want to die! (Of course not really! Don't worry, I wont.) But at that moment, death sounded a heck of a lot easier! I even recall telling Ryan, "I just want to die!" when I was pregnant with Avery and had thrown up 25 times in 3 hours, and I remember him saying, "No, don't say that, you'll be fine." But under his breath I am sure he was saying, "but I know I would, if I were you..."

Thankfully, I didn't die that day. :) And was just hospitalized with three IV's and medication that seemed to be a gift right from heaven. Nor did I die this last Monday (obviously;). I have been able to take Zofram. It's a pretty expensive drug, usually costing somewhere between $50-$80 a pill. They now have a generic kind that's only $22 a pill so that's been a blessing, as we have had to pay out of pocket for them. Zofram is a drug they use for people that have cancer and get really sick with Chemotherapy treatments. They also give it to pregnant women who, like me or worse cases, can't help but loose 5- 15 pounds during the first three months of pregnancy because of throwing up and the lack of wanting to eat. I have always had 5- 10 pounds to lose since having Avery, and could never get it off, until recently. So I am grateful that I am finally down to what I was. Of course it won't last long as later in my pregnancy I seem to gain double in the 2nd and 3rd trimester and eventually will look something like this poor woman:

Ouch.

So for the moment let me just rejoice in my weight loss, even if it's just for a moment AND even if it’s not the way I would actually want to lose the weight. But it's the little things that matter right?

It's funny as I am sharing my thoughts, feelings and stories or maybe more like complaining about them, (I hope not too much) I can picture my dad with his littlest violin playing the saddest song for me. haha! Sorry dad! Actually my dad is one of the most compassionate people I know, but he also has an attitude that says, "Forget yourself and get to work!"

-Intermission-

4 hours later:

I started writing this post and then realized I better go and make dinner as Ryan will be home soon. However, as I was making dinner I got nauseated so I decided to take a Zofram before I started throwing up, only I should have waited, as I threw up but ten minutes after taking the pill, there goes $22 down the toliet, literally.

Anyway, I also wanted to take a moment and embarrass, brag, thank- whatever you want to call it- and tell you how wonderful my husband has been to me and the kids the last few weeks. He has been home from school the last four weeks from a break. And the whole time he did everything around the house; changed Avery's nasty diapers, did dishes, swept floors, kept up my overly obsessive vacuuming behavior for me, did laundry and much more! He played with the girls all day everyday which was wonderful as they love being with their dad but sad for me, as they are both daddy's girls now!

Sorry for this long and boring post, the pregnancy made me do it! hehe. I did forwarn you in the title, "Random thoughts from a pregnant women" so what did you expect? haha.

Expecting the Unexpected

I haven't blogged in so long, I almost forget how to. I'm at a lost for words right now, (I know, is that even possible?!) I start blogging and then delete it with frustration, thinking, "I am just not cut out to be a blogger." haha. (Poor me, I know.) I started writing about Christmas and how fun that was, but I am not in the mood to post that right now...I will soon. Then I thought, oh I could write about something cute Avery and Madi did the other day, but then think, no that's probably dumb. (As a parent you think everything your child does is cute!) I just haven't had the "blogging spirit" I guess. (If that's not a phrase, it is now.) Anyway, I am ready to come away from my pity party and I know once I start posting I will enjoy it...again.

So some of you know that we are expecting. Yep. Just found out two weeks ago. (Thanks!) Usually people don't say anything until after 12 weeks, just to make sure everything is ok and what not, but those of you that know me well, know me well enough to know, I am not too good at keeping surprises- surprises very long. haha. I can keep secrets, it's surprises I am not good at. Take Christmas for instance:

Me: "Hey honey, I got you this really cool gift!"


Ryan: "Oh yeah, what is it?"


Me: "I am not going to tell you! BUT I know you will like it cuz you said you wanted a new pair of sweats, but these ones are awesome cuz it says, Boise State down the side!"



See? Pretty pathetic, huh? Yeah...I am getting off on a tangent here...it's cuz I forgot how to blog. haha.

Anyway, we are expecting a baby. However, we were not expecting TWO babIES. Yes, we (ME) are pregnant with twins. (!!!!!!!!)

K, first we don't even have twins in my family anywhere or on Ryan's side. Second, we never gave it a second thought as to ever having twins cuz it was JUST never possible. (!?) So you can imagine my reaction when the nurse practitioner informed me for the 8th time, that yes, there are indeed TWO different babies/TWO heart beats and TWO sacs..? on the ultrasound, jaw dropping to the floor, tears spilling over without permission to do so, and the bawling continues as the nurse hands me kleenex after kleenex until the box is half gone. *Just add it to the bill.

Oh and then things go from bad to worse, I was sitting in the waiting room after, waiting to get my blood drawn, when some fool (ok, he was probably a super nice guy) decides it would be great to request a country song at that exact moment about how "anything is possible and anything can happen once..." That just made me cry even harder. People passing by probably thought, "oh dear, this poor girl isn't going to make it..."

I am still stunned. I feel like I just got punched in the stomach and I am still coming up short for air. I know twins isn't like unheard of, a lot of people and friends of ours have either had twins or are having twins, but honestly for me, I thought it was.

So here they are! The dynamic du-o! It's a pretty blurry picture, sorry. I took a picture of the picture. But you can see the TWO different sacs. Let's hope for a boy, so I can be done with pregnancy! Ryan wants to name them Luke and Laya (not really) if it's a boy and a girl, but we won't know what they are for another 10 weeks or so. We're hoping for at least one boy.