Ethan's Funeral

On Saturday, we had a funeral for Ethan in Preston, Idaho. He was buried right above my Grandpa Hodges, who passed away almost 2 years ago. It was a very bittersweet moment for all of us because we knew Ethan had completed his mission, but we also knew we wouldn't see him again on this earth.

His little coffin was so small amidst all the big headstones and crowd of people and flowers. Christy and I both wrote him letters that we placed in a small plastic bag under his arm right before we sealed his coffin. He looked so sweet in his little white tuxedo that his Grandma Newman made for him and the blue blanket his Grandma Graf made.

Bishop Johnson presided over the funeral and we sang "I Am a Child of God" and "Families can be Together Forever," the same two songs that we sang for Ethan as he passed away in our arms at the hospital. Bishop Johnson gave a wonderful talk on Ethan's life and the reason that many infants die. He spoke about Ethan's mission on earth to gain a body and how he came here to strengthen all of us.

I (Ryan) then read the letter that I had written for Ethan. I felt a little frustrated because I couldn't seem to speak at times with the huge lump in my throat. I finally got through it and then Christy's Dad, Jared dedicated the grave with a beautiful prayer in which he promised us that the place where Ethan and Grandpa were buried would be preserved from harm until they were resurrected.

After the funeral, we knelt beside Ethan's coffin and said goodbye to him. I am so glad that we know the gospel promises we have been given. What a blessing it is to know that we will have him forever. We went to the Winder Ward chapel afterwards and had a great meal provided by the Relief Society from our Cedar 2nd ward in Pocatello. Thank you Cedar 2nd ward for all your help and providing such a great service to our family. It was great (especially the cheesey potatoes!). We would like to thank everyone for their thoughts, prayers, and support at this hard time in our lives. It was pretty tough and sad to say goodbye, but with so much love coming from all around us, we felt so peaceful. Christy's brother, Randy and dad, Jared, holding the girls...as you can see in these pictures the girls were held by almost everyone!

The girls looked cute in their dresses that Grandma Gilmore got them for the funeral.

Thanks Grandma!

Ethan Returned Home

You came here for a moment,

just a spec in time.

But as you see dear child,

forever you'll be mine.

Families are Forever,

and forever ours you'll be.

So, although our time ws brief,

I know you'll be waiting for me.

You were too perfect and special to stay here very long.

Our family's very lucky,

a choice spirit came to us.

We gave him all he needed

and all he knew was love.

Our time together here on earth

was moments it is true...

but nothing will take away that day

when forever we'll be with you!

~~~~~

This past weekend when Ryan and I drove down to be with both Emily and Ethan for the weekend, we felt strongly that Ethan's time on this earth was coming to an end. The doctor and nurse practitioner told us the many things that Ethan was struggling with and that it didn't look good. I knew in my heart that it was true but I just wanted to hold onto the hope that he would be ok. We wanted to hold onto him as long as we could and believe that he would come out despite everything he was facing. I was trying to be positive that he would be fine and grow up to be a strong, healthy little boy. Yet, deep down I just had a gut wrenching feeling that he wouldn't. We had moments that he was improving but overall his health was slipping. And as the news kept getting worse and worse about Ethan's development we started to prepare for his passing. Ryan and I went back and forth with our feelings and decisions about what to do. We knew it was inevitable, but we just couldn't make the decision that weekend. Two days later, on Tuesday, May 5th, we got a call from the hospital and knew that our time with our little boy on this earth was almost up.

Ryan and I both drove down that day to be with Ethan. The nurses and doctors wheeled Ethan's bed and ventilator into a private room for us, where we could spend as much time with him as we wanted. The time we spent with him was so amazing. There are no words to describe those short few hours. It was so peaceful. I have never in my life, felt closer to our Heavenly Father and his love for me. We got to hold him, cuddle him, kiss him, talk to him, sing to him and look into his beautiful eyes. Ryan and I took several turns holding him. After some time, we strongly came to feel that it was time to let him go and that he was ready. Ryan gave Ethan one last blessing and then the nurses came in and took him off of his ventilator. Our little Ethan passed away Wednesday morning around 1am. That was by far the hardest thing Ryan and I have ever felt or done. It rocked us to our core. Yet, at the same time we have never felt so much peace and comfort. And the knowledge that he will be ours forever, as we have been sealed as a family in the temple was as strong and true as ever. I am grateful in so many ways for this experience. It has brought me closer to my Heavenly Father. It has helped me see the eterna perspective a little clearer. And the time we got to have with our little boy was beyond precious. I will always remember those feelings I felt and the spirit that was there in that room.

My mom, Rebecca, made this little tuxedo for Ethan. He looked perfect in it. Just perfect. Thanks Mom.

Ryan's mom quilted a blanket for Ethan to be buried in, so he will know how much we will always love him. Thanks Mom.

Also Ryan's mom bought the smallest shirt she could find, a premie shirt, but it was still way too big. So she took it in on all the sides, took out the blue thread and then sewed it back up using white to go with his tuxedo my mom had made for him. I am so grateful to my mom and Ryan's mom for making such a special outfit for our little boy and that we could bury him in something so cute and meaningful.

~~~~~

We got a professional photographer to come and take pictures, which I will post later. These pictures are just a few picture that we took of our time with Ethan...

Many, Many Snuggles...

Many, Many Kisses...

Ryan holding Ethan before we took him off the ventilator.

~Emily and Ethan~

I wanted to make Ethan something special, but there was just not enough time. Ryan's mom suggested that we sew something on his shirt. So Ryan and I both took a turn and sewed, WE LOVE YOU, across his shirt.

Our little man, all decked out in his cute tuxedo. Doesn't he look perfect!?

There is no foot

too small

that it cannot leave an

imprint

on this world.

This is my favorite picture!

Ethan's cute little profile

Ryan holding Ethan

More kisses...

Our Sweet Little Boy

Ryan and I got to hold him all night...

One of the nurses, Penny, made this picture collage for us! Thanks Penny!

Personal thoughts and Some Good News!

Yesterday was a really hard, emotional day for me. I actually thought I was doing ok, until Ryan came home for lunch and saw that the dounuts I had bought the night before were completely gone. He said, "Where did all those dounuts go?" I had bought a big package of mini chocolate dounuts, which I never do...and I had ate the entire package, not even realizing it!! Of course, I tried blaming it on Avery, Madi and even the dog across the street, but Ryan knew it was all me. Dang it! :0 I usually don't take my stress out on food, but since I can't go running to relieve it, due to my C-section, I guess I turned to eating! And boy, did I EAT yesterday! Ryan even said later that night, "I thought you went grocery shopping?" haha! Now that I have realized I ate all day yesterday, I was more aware of that today and stayed away from the dounuts. (That doesn't mean, I didn't have any cookies! ;))

Ryan and I feel like we have been tossed in a tornado, and the moment we feel like we are coming out of it, we are being thrown into another one. There's many questions that Ryan and I have about what went wrong and what happened. As Ryan and I were driving to Utah on Wednesday, to be with Emily and Ethan, we talked a lot about these things. But in the end we both came to realize that it wasn't doing any good to dwell on things we can't change. We know everything happens for a reason. We don't know why, or what the purpose is, and maybe we will never know what or why our babies came so early, but we both feel a lot of peace that everything will be ok. Whether that is having the priviledge to raise both Emily and Ethan here on the earth or after this life, we are not sure.

Many of you have been wondering how Emily's surgery went. Well I am very happy to report it went very well and she is doing really good. We feel very blessed that it went so well and that her blood pressure seemed to immediately improve afterwards and it is back where it needs to be. The nurses have said they might even move Emily into the next room, room 2, where the more "stable" babies go. In room 2 they usually have one nurse to watch over 1-2 babies at a time. Ethan, however, will continue to stay in room 1 where he will be monitored more closely, as he is in a more critical state than Emily. This is good news for our Emily, but it also makes me sad, as I feel that having Ethan and Emily so close to one another makes me think they are fighting this battle together and helping each other through it.

They both still have severe lung disease, but we actually just got a phone call from the hospital a few hours ago and they said that Ethan's lungs have begun to improve already! His x-rays show an improvement of his lung tissues and they were able to decrease the speed of the oxygen levels going into his lungs, which means they are not having to pump oxygen into his lungs as hard. Which is great news, as it will be less pressure on his lung tissues. It's a small change, but anything positive is always SOOO good to hear! Getting news like this makes me feel so grateful, yet at the same time it is also hard because I feel weak at times and wish I had more faith. Many of you have commented that we are strong, but to be honest, I feel completely weak sometimes and I need to learn to have more faith in our Heavenly Father and his plan for our family. For the most part I feel pretty positive and peaceful, but when you hear such bad news from the doctors it really makes you question what went wrong. Yet, I know Heavenly Father knows what is best for our children and our family and I trust Him.

Ryan gave both Emily and Ethan a blessing on Wednesday. And in the blessing to Ethan, Ryan felt impressed to say some things that gave Ryan and I such peace. Yet, the next day, I was begining to question and doubt... Then when we get the good news like this today, I think to myself, "Why do I doubt so fast? Why can't I have more faith?" Although today, I feel a lot better and have felt that same peace I did on Wednesday.

I rarely write such personal things from my heart, but I felt impressed to share what I have been feeling lately. Ryan and I both feel very blessed and so grateful for all of your support. It is hard to express in words how grateful we are to each of you and for the many prayers, fasts, gifts, service, and donations we have received in behalf of our family.

Here are a few pictures we took on Wednesday...

Our little Boy!

Emily right before the sugery.

Emily with Ryan after the surgery

Emily and me after the surgery

Ryan and Ethan
Me and Ethan

Test Results

Well today's been a really hard day. We got news that Emily's PDA valve has actually increased in size and so they will be preforming the heart surgery on her tomorrow to close her PDA. So even though they say the sugery doesn't take long and is fairly easy to do, it's always a risk. But I feel that everything will be fine and the doctors are so skilled at what they do.

We also got back Ethan's brain scan today and it was hard to hear the news. It is showing that his brain is bleeding on both sides and is at a level 3 right now out of 4. It's pretty severe they say. The blood that is showing is still in his vessels and hasn't gone outside of that, but he has a really high chance of having mild to severe brain damage which could result in cerebral palsey or other mental or physical disorders when he is older. The nurse practioner said there's really not a lot they can do for this other than monitor him and hope that the blood will be absorbed and not continue to get larger or go outside those vessels. They will do another brain scan on him next week.

Well, that's all the news for now. Ryan and I are heading back down to Utah tomorrow to be with both of them. It's been hard writing this... Thanks again for all your prayers for our family! We love you all!

Oh, and I wanted to add a few pictures of our babies...

This just puts it in perspective of how small their hands and feet are...and actually Emily has quite large feet! One of the nurses said her feet are the biggest she's seen. They for sure got their dad's feet, toes and long fingers! haha!

Emily Jean

Emily snuggling with her blankie under her shades

Emily with my wedding ring around her wrist

Ethan's little foot

Our little Ethan

Another Crazy Day...

It has been two...almost, LONG weeks, as you know at the Hodges home! Today the twins are 9 days old and are stable at this time. I am so grateful for their little spirits and the time I have had with them so far, holding their hands in mine and softly touching their heads. They are fighting hard everday to be here. It has been a roller coaster ride, with so many ups and downs. I have had moments of strength where I know it hasn't come anywhere but our Heavenly Father and all your prayers for our family. And I have had moments of weakness where I just sit and cry my heart out and feel completely useless as my babies struggle every moment to stay alive and miss my other two girls like crazy! Makes me really appreciate the time I do get with them when I see them. :)

Today has been another crazy day, and I thought I would give a quick update as I sit here in the waiting room, waiting for an Echo test to be done on Ethan. An Echo test is a test to check to see if his PDA valve in his heart has closed, or gotten smaller from his 2 rounds of Ibuprofen medicine. If it has closed or is at least showing signs that it has gotten smaller, than he won't have to have sugery to close it, it will do it by itself. But if the size of his PDA valve hasn't changed at all due to the Ibuprofen medicine, then he will have a little heart sugery(which they say it isn't anything to worry about, as it is a simple procedure) in the next two days to close it.

Usually if the valve hasn't closed within three rounds of the Ibuprofen then they do the surgery, but with Ethan they don't want to chance another round, because sometimes, I guess, the Ibuprofen medicine can cause bleeding in the brain and/or other problems. So they are also going to be doing an ultrasound sometime today on Ethan's brain to see if there is any bleeding. So we are just waiting for both these tests to be done and get the results back. We should know by tonight whether or not they will do the surgery.

Some good news is they did an ultrasound on Emily's brain to check if there was any bleeding and hers came back normal, which is great news!!! So we are praying that Ethan's brain scan also comes back normal and also that his PDA valve is either smaller or closed!! Which would honestly be a miracle for his gestation age. Many nurses have told me that Emily and Ethan are really doing good for how early they are and are good size babies for being twins. (It must have been all the broccoli I ate!) Emily is on her last round of medicine for her PDA valve, (which was something different than Ethan's Ibuprofen...sorry, I can't remember all the names of the medicines/treatments that they use!) and she will be having her Echo test done tomorrow sometime.

8 hours later...

OK...so I wrote this earlier today, never getting around to finishing it and posting it. I have some good news and some bad news. First off, the good news...the results came back and Ethan's PDA valve is A LOT smaller!!! Yeah!!! That means, Ethan will not have to have the heart surgery!

Some bad news that came to our family today, is that BOTH Ryan's Grandma (Ryan's mom's mom) and his aunt JerriAnn (who is Ryan's mom's sister) had heart attacks last night. Ryan's mom, Tammy, has been with me since the night I got life flighted into Salt Lake. She has been in Pocatello the last few nights taking care of Madisen and Avery, while I was in Utah, with my mom and the twins. But shortly after getting the news of the heart attacks, Tammy took off to be with her mom. I don't know exactly what the doctors are going to do at this point. Last I heard Grandma Gilmore might have surgery where they put a stint in. And I am not sure what the case is with JerriAnn...I will post another update when I know more. We will be praying for them and hope that everything will be ok. If you could also please add them in your prayers...Thanks so much everyone! We love you all! (I sure hope everyone is doing good... I am sorry I haven't gotten around to checking more of your blogs out!)

Twin Update

Each day Ryan and I learn something new about the care our twins are getting. "A new language" almost, as my mother-in-law put it. From new treatments, case studies they are doing, and deciding whether or not we want our babies in them. Learning about the different machines they are hooked up to and what they do for the twins, or tests they have had. There are heart and lung problems, blood transfusions, new drugs, case studies, etc. There's just a lot of things I am trying to understand, most of the time I feel totally incompetent as I don't understand "doctor" language and it goes right over my head! I've been trying to understand the best I can what it is Emily and Ethan are going through. It's a little clearer to Ryan just because he is in the Physicain Assistant Program and is already learning a lot of this medical lingo. I write all this to let all you know that I sometimes don't know exactly myself what they are doing with the twins. I have a basic understanding of what they are going through or the treatments they are getting, but overall I don't or can't fully grasps the studies or things that are happening to them but I do know they are in good hands and that they are fighters!

So from now on, I'll just tell you in layman's terms... they are stable and doing pretty good!

Ryan's mom, Tammy, who is staying with me, wrote on her blog a little about this and I thought I would just quote her, "One of the blessings of being in a University Hospital is that they(nurses and doctors) have learned so much that can benefit your children. One of the downfalls is that they also want to study your children. I guess you can't have one without the other. When I was here 30 years ago they did the same thing only it was me and my pregnancy they wanted to study. Knowledge can't be gained without observing."

Now for some PICTURES!!!

Emily with Daddy Emily and my hand touching her head, gives you an idea of how small her head is.

Emily on her tummy...the nurse says she prefers her tummy. ;)

Grandma, me and Ethan ...whispering, "Go Ethan!"

Little Ethan...he likes his shades! ;)

Emily has several different machines hooked up to her incubator.

Ethan's little hand

Ethan

Ryan and I are SO grateful for the nurses here at the University of Utah, that take such good care of Ethan and Emily. They are so good with these tiny infants and are so sweet to us and so good with our babies. We feel very blessed to have such great friends and family, that have been so supportive and helpful through all of this. It would be hard to go through this without the gospel and all of your love and prayers!