Personal feelings...

My mind is racing this morning. I have a lot of things I need to accomplish today and this week, but aside from all that, there is one thing on my mind I can't seem to shake. For the sake of privacy and without disclosing too much, I am going to call it- "it".  It actually happened several months back, when I discovered something and I thought about "it" non-stop at the time. Several weeks went by and after talking with my husband, my mom and another close friend several times about "it", trying to understand, but failing, I finally resolved that there really is nothing I can do about "it". I prayed and prayed. I felt impressed to write once, but not knowing what to say, I didn't. I was a coward. Then again, I felt impressed to say something, anything! But again, I didn't. It's hard to say something when you are not as close as you once were. Where do I begin anyway?

Thinking about "it" brings me close to tears every time. Because I care SO much about "it", yet it's not my choice or my decision to make. I don't know what happened. But I DO care. To me, it's one of the saddest things to see happen. It's made me weep on more than one occasion. And I have prayed for understanding and peace. Over time and over these past few months it has occasionally crept back into my thoughts, yet as soon as it would, I would quickly push it away or it would suddenly get pushed from my thoughts as other pressing matters would fill it.

Then yesterday, out of the blue as I looked at this picture of this beautiful child, it came flooding back at full speed again, weighing heavily on my mind all night and all morning. I don't really know how to talk about it, without disclosing too much, but it greatly disturbs me and there is nothing I can do about it. 


I know this doesn't make sense to you readers and you are probably wondering what this is accomplishing as I ramble. But I thought it just might help-me out. I just can't seem to get "it" off my mind. Questions that come to mind....Why does it bother me so bad? Why does it bring me close to tears every time? Why, when I think about it does my whole soul hurt? How did this happen? How does "it" not see what "it's" doing and giving up? How do you go from "this" to "that"? How can I help? What can I say or do, if anything that would help?! 


I think that is why this is been so hard to get off my mind...because I really DO care. I wish there was something I could do. For now, I will continue to pray and hope for "it" to return someday. 


One thing I do know is that in the pre-existence we all made a choice to come to earth and receive a body. I believe this life is a probationary state, a time to prepare to meet God. (Alma 12:24). I know the Church is true and that my testimony is strengthened every time I pray or read the scriptures. There are things I don't understand but I also know, I don't need to know those things now, as those things are not important to my salvation and it does not affect my eternal progress.

I do want to add that I am grateful for the knowledge and testimony I have of the church. Yet, at the same time I have come to realize if I don't continue to develop my testimony and strengthen it, just like in anything, I could lose it and fall away, as anyone could, even the strongest among us. I know that my pride can sometimes get in the way, and I know I need to humble myself always and pray for forgiveness so that I can progress. It's like that saying, if you are not progressing forward, then you are moving backwards.

I have probably said too much. I sincerely hope no one has been offended by this post. I usually do not post such deep personal feelings. If I have offended anyone, I truly apologize. Just true feelings from my heart that I thought could help me, if anyone. Thanks for listening with an open heart.

2 days in Boise

Ryan had CME training for work in Boise last Monday, so we packed up the van and headed out. We stayed at a hotel both nights, and although I hate sleeping in a hotel room with kids, we did have a good time at the pool, or rather, the hot tub as the pool was a bit cold. Here's Ryan relaxing...

The hot tub was small but the girls could have stayed out there all night "swimming".

The next morning we took Ryan to class and headed to the Boise Zoo and met there my best friend, Kimberly from high school, all her kids, and also her siblings and there kids, as well as MomC and DadC!  It was awesome hanging out with the Clayton family, just like old times. They have always been my second family. I wish I would have gotten a picture of ALL of them together. Here's a picture of Kimberly and I. Isn't she beautiful?! She lives in Oklahoma and traveled to Idaho for a family reunion and to see ME of course! ;)

My girls

Kimberly and my girls along with Amia-Kimberly's sister, Aimee's little girl. 

Riding in the jeep

Kimberly's littlest one, Zurie.

Emily hanging from the bar. She thinks she is so strong. heh heh.

All the kids enjoying digging for fossils. 

All of Kimberly's kids and mine, plus Kimberly's Dad and Kimberly's brothers daughter.

 Aliya getting brave with the tiger. :)

us. Avery cracks me up.

Parker, Madisen, and Avery playing in the tunnels to see the gophers, which we all hiding. 

Feeding the goats. Madisen and Avery were pretty brave and excited to feed the goats, Emily and I however, not so much. I actually have never tried. Don't care for animals much...sorry to offend anyone who is. But I just have a weird phobia of animal hair, and slobber that I can't explain. But I did try and I did it. Then I immediately sanitized my hands...and arms...and body. haha.

A bunch of the kids in the birds nest. 

My beautiful friend, Kimberly and cute little Zurie. 

After the Zoo, we went across the street to the park, ate lunch and played a ton of games. We played red rover, freeze tag, and many made-up games like, "run to the other side of the field, grab you shoes, run back and put them on" and also a miniature obstacle course where we raced someone our own age. Kimberly and I raced each other. Let's just say, it was a close call. :) 

After the park we went to a place where they make wind chimes and other things for . It was started by  mother her lost her 3 year old son suddenly. It is called, Ben's Bells Project. You can click on the link to learn more about it.  We felt honored to be able to paint and help make a few chimes for Ben's Bells.

Afterwards Ryan and I decided to take the kids to places where mommy grew up. We drove by my old house where I lived from ages 11-18...

It was a fast trip to Boise, but it was packed full of fun!

Family Pictures!

I am really happy with the way our family pictures turned out. I always have high expectations with pictures, and I think these pictures came pretty close to what I was hoping for. I am excited to get some printed and put up on our walls in our home. A big THANKS goes to my sister April for taking our pictures! (I know I posted them on Facebook a few weeks ago, but some of our friends and family don't have... Facebook. Gasp! I know, right? Weird.;) Anyway, here are most of my favorites...!