My mind is racing this morning. I have a lot of things I need to accomplish today and this week, but aside from all that, there is one thing on my mind I can't seem to shake. For the sake of privacy and without disclosing too much, I am going to call it- "it". It actually happened several months back, when I discovered something and I thought about "it" non-stop at the time. Several weeks went by and after talking with my husband, my mom and another close friend several times about "it", trying to understand, but failing, I finally resolved that there really is nothing I can do about "it". I prayed and prayed. I felt impressed to write once, but not knowing what to say, I didn't. I was a coward. Then again, I felt impressed to say something, anything! But again, I didn't. It's hard to say something when you are not as close as you once were. Where do I begin anyway?
Thinking about "it" brings me close to tears every time. Because I care SO much about "it", yet it's not my choice or my decision to make. I don't know what happened. But I DO care. To me, it's one of the saddest things to see happen. It's made me weep on more than one occasion. And I have prayed for understanding and peace. Over time and over these past few months it has occasionally crept back into my thoughts, yet as soon as it would, I would quickly push it away or it would suddenly get pushed from my thoughts as other pressing matters would fill it.
Then yesterday, out of the blue as I looked at this picture of this beautiful child, it came flooding back at full speed again, weighing heavily on my mind all night and all morning. I don't really know how to talk about it, without disclosing too much, but it greatly disturbs me and there is nothing I can do about it.
I know this doesn't make sense to you readers and you are probably wondering what this is accomplishing as I ramble. But I thought it just might help-me out. I just can't seem to get "it" off my mind. Questions that come to mind....Why does it bother me so bad? Why does it bring me close to tears every time? Why, when I think about it does my whole soul hurt? How did this happen? How does "it" not see what "it's" doing and giving up? How do you go from "this" to "that"? How can I help? What can I say or do, if anything that would help?!
I think that is why this is been so hard to get off my mind...because I really DO care. I wish there was something I could do. For now, I will continue to pray and hope for "it" to return someday.
One thing I do know is that in the pre-existence we all made a choice to come to earth and receive a body. I believe this life is a probationary state, a time to prepare to meet God. (Alma 12:24). I know the Church is true and that my testimony is strengthened every time I pray or read the scriptures. There are things I don't understand but I also know, I don't need to know those things now, as those things are not important to my salvation and it does not affect my eternal progress.
I do want to add that I am grateful for the knowledge and testimony I have of the church. Yet, at the same time I have come to realize if I don't continue to develop my testimony and strengthen it, just like in anything, I could lose it and fall away, as anyone could, even the strongest among us. I know that my pride can sometimes get in the way, and I know I need to humble myself always and pray for forgiveness so that I can progress. It's like that saying, if you are not progressing forward, then you are moving backwards.
I have probably said too much. I sincerely hope no one has been offended by this post. I usually do not post such deep personal feelings. If I have offended anyone, I truly apologize. Just true feelings from my heart that I thought could help me, if anyone. Thanks for listening with an open heart.
Silent Auction
11 months ago
8 comments:
I hope "it" gets resolved or returned because I can feel it is concerning to you. But what I love about this post is your testimony! Thanks for sharing it!
HUGS
momc
Thanks MomC. Ryan said this was something I should have just written in my journal, but I just needed to share my testimony of the church and also get "it" off my chest. I know it didn't make much sense to most, but that was the point-sorta. haha.
I had an "it" experience. One of my very closest friends decided after I got married that she wanted nothing to do with the church. She basically went off the deep end doing everything she knew she shouldn't. It was so hard for me to deal with. I couldn't understand how she could let this happen. I had shared so many spiritual moments with her and I know that at one point she had a strong testimony. I cried so much over it all. Eventually I decided that I couldn't make her change her mind. I valued her friendship to much to push her away and not talk to her. So I pray for her and every time I go to the temple I put her name on the prayer roll. I seriously have done it every time for the last 7 years. She moved to Arizona 5 years ago and we have become more distant because our lives have taken us down very different paths. I hope that she will come back to the church but it's ultimately her personal choice. Maybe my "it" is different and this doesn't help you at all. But I know prayer is helpful. I admire your strong testimony I love reading it. I have felt the spirit so many times reading your blog. Thank you! I hope that whatever "it" is it will be resolved. You are an amazing person.
Wow Emily. Thank you for sharing that with me. I am so glad you did. Thank you too, for your example on not giving up on her, and putting her name in the temple every time you go, that is amazing!! Truly inspiring. I hope someday that this family will return. They are an amazing family- one of the best! and I just don't know what happened and it's sad. Breaks my heart. They were so strong in the church and had amazing testimonies. But when I saw them- it was like the light was gone from their eyes. It's hard to grasp and explain.... and they don't "see" it.
Hey Christy! I'm horrible at reading blogs....and I'm just catching up on yours today! I've been having a hard time with "it" as well! I'm still in shock.... and want to change it all back to how I remember it being... Thank you for your testimony. Thanks for always being a great friend that I know will always have "it." Through all of this I've had this fear come to mind ... what if my own kids go astray? After all I've taught them...what if they choose another path...? Just scares me!! I know we have to have faith, pray for a change of heart for those people involved, and be patient and kind. I hope you are feeling a little better about "it" and the whole situation. If you ever need to chat, give me a call! (on your new phone!) :)
And just so you know....maybe I don't get on your blog daily is because you always tear me up!! haha jk!
Take Care
I totally know what you mean! It's so shocking when there is a night and day difference that you can clearly see and they can not or choose not to see.
How could someone ever be offended by the beautiful things you write? I love your honesty and sincerity - i love your writing! That's why I have immediately loved everything about you (even though we have never ever met in person!) ha!! I hope you can come to piece with "it." I'm sorry something is bothering you so. I recently read John 3:14 followed by Alma 33: 19-23 its so good (especially that last verse - like the cherry on-top)
Thank you, Leslie and everyone! You girls are the Best Blogging friends ever! :) I am doing fine. It's just such a devastating and sad thing to see someone give up the church and all the blessings that come from it and the blessing of an eternal family. It just reaffirms that Satan is real and is there trying to deceive us all. It could happened to any of us. If we are not constantly nourishing our testimonies. Well, I didn't want to give "it" away. But I guess the cat is out of the bag now!
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