Perseverance.

(This post touches on some sensitive issues, deep personal feelings and experiences, and my beliefs. I don't often open up and share things like this because I don't want to make people feel awkward or think ill of me. But then I realized, it's MY blog. MY space to write anything I want. And if they don't like it, then that's fine. They can go somewhere else and not have to read it. Sometimes it takes me a lot longer than most to learn these things. ;)

Perseverance.


Something I need to work on.


Something I want to be better at.


Something I want to be stronger in.




This coming Sunday Ryan and I have been asked to give talks in the Spanish sacrament meeting, which to be honest, I was not too thrilled, as I just gave a talk a month ago in our sacrament meeting.  There is only one ward here in Hunt county which consist of many small towns and cities within a 30 mile radius of Greenville. Well a small part of the ward members are Spanish speaking members so they have their own sacrament meeting the same time we do, just down the hall. Since Ryan speaks Spanish they will have an interpreter for me. The topic that was chosen for us to speak on, "Perseverance". 

"Perseverance is demonstrated by those who keep going when the going gets tough, who don’t give up even when others say, “It can’t be done.”' James E. Faust

It has made me think about the last few month since moving here to Texas. It's been hard, yet, I am learning more about myself and trying to be a better mother, friend, wife and person. I am trying to work on my short comings and weaknesses to make them stronger. But to be honest, it's been hard to change what I haven't acknowledge or pushed down. I have already share some of these feelings with two good friends of mine. I thought it might be good for me to share it on the blog too, because we, as women, moms, humans, all struggle with demons in our lives and to know that you or I -is not alone in this fight is very encouraging and hopeful.

It's been hard adjusting to Texas and this new ward. It feels like we have been picked up by a space ship, dropped from space and have landed in a completely new world! And no amount of preparation prepared me for the impact.


I have been struggling a lot lately with loneliness and homesickness. So much so, that lately I feel like I am turning into a sloth. I feel incredibly tired and everything is in s-l-o-w motion. I feel at times I simply want to give up and just sleep the next few years away until we can move back to Idaho-our home. But I KNOW that's not what I really want to do or should do. I KNOW I need to live life to the fullness no matter what my circumstances are (which really, they aren't THAT bad. I know it may sound like I am in the depths of despair! But I am not.). 


I have had little to no desire to cook, clean sometimes, do activities with the kids, craft, scrap book, call friends, blog, exercise...nothing. I am tired all the time and take a nap almost everyday. I just have no energy or motivation but yet I feel irritable and anxious a lot, which I hate feeling that way. I get little sparks of energy or enthusiasm throughout the day, but it only last 
an hour or so and I am back in "bed" hiding from the world.


Well, I guess I wasn't "hiding" well enough! ;) Because I had one friend call me out on it in an email....


"...I figured something was wrong, I kept checking your blog every day and nothing was popping up. . . i knew something was up!!"


Uh, oh! Caught. haha.


Thought I could just hide and bury my struggles and eventually they would just go away on their own... Right?


So I had to acknowledged that I needed help. I needed advice. I needed validation. I needed an honest opinion. I needed sympathy. I needed a friend. To vent. To cry. I just needed all these things. And by opening up (although, I was at first completely terrified to do so) I was able to release some of my worries and struggles and get all these things without feeling too embarrassed or ashamed. And THAT felt great.


I have had TWO conflicting emotions...


1.- I feel so blessed. I literally count my blessing everyday.


-Ryan has a job. Not only that, but he has one that he enjoys. He loves to help people and it is a good living too. (There are so many without jobs and many don't like their jobs).
-We have health insurance(so many people don't).
-We have no major health concerns with Ryan or I or our children....at this time anyway.  (Again, so many people are struggling with a serious illnesses or health problems that make life really difficult for them and their family).
-One of the greatest blessings in our lives is being members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.Having that knowledge and testimony that the church is true and living by the covenants we have made in the temple has blessed our family tremendously as many of you can testify as well.
-Another one of our greatest blessings in our lives is our family and dear friends. We have some of the best relationships in the world and don't take that for granted.
-I can stay home with my children and raise them which I have always felt is so important.
-We have been able to pay off a lot of debt.
-Ryan sees and deals with patients all day that have no family, no insurance, sometimes homeless and are on the verge of dying! How sad and humbling that is to me. Makes me want to take them all in and feed them!


Through all the good and blessings we have why is it then that I STILL feel ...
2. -depressed, lonely, trapped and sad?


Well, as I have been preparing my talk on Perseverance, boy have I had a eye-opening experience that leads me to thinking I am not persevering like the Lord wants me to do.


"Perseverance is a POSITIVE, ACTIVE characteristic. It is not idle, and doing just enough to get by(as I have let myself do over the past few months), hoping and waiting for good things to happen." 

While reading through a variety of talks I came across this paragraph by a talk given by Joseph B. Wirthlin, in 1987:

"Genius is only the power of making continuous efforts. The line between failure and success is so fine that we scarcely know when we pass it; so fine that we are often on the line and do not know it. How many a man has thrown up his hands at a time when a little more effort, a little more patience would have achieved success? A little more persistence, a little more effort, and what seemed a hopeless failure may turn into a glorious success."


Wow. That is powerful. Something I needed to hear and something I want to work on. I have always thought I was one that didn't give up when things got tough. I have always known I am a daughter of God and have a special purpose on this earth, as all of us do, but this made me think even deeper about the meaning of perseverance. Could I persevere through something like what Job went through-losing everything? Or how about Nephi or Joseph Smith? Or the pioneers that crossed the plains? Or even well known people like Florence Nightingale, Abe Lincoln, Beethoven, Hellen Keller and countless others who persevered through some of the most difficult trials.


Of course, it's unlikey that most of us will have to face such trials and heartache as these well known figures had to do. But if we did, would we persevere or give up?


Here's another quote I liked:

 "Perseverance means to continue in a given course until we have reached a goal or objective, regardless of obstacles, opposition, and other counter-influences. What is our course, what is our goal, and what are the obstacles and opposition that would hinder or divert us?

Our course as members of the Church should be in agreement with the principles and ordinances of the gospel. Our goal should be to fill the measure of our creation as sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father—that is, to reach exaltation and eternal life. The obstacles and opposition we meet are the temptations and enticements of Satan that are designed to frustrate the Lord’s work and glory: “To bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man” (Moses 1:39)."

I got another email from this friend after I told her a little bit of how I was feeling and struggling with, she said (and I hope she doesn't mind me sharing this), "Try to find out what you need to learn from this situation. . . maybe Heavenly Father wants you to become closer to him instead of always having a physical friend/family there."


Ah-ha! That's exactly right. 


I have prayed throughout my life that Heavenly Father will help me become the person I need to be and the person he needs me to be to further His work. Being here in Texas can either make me stronger as I learn to rely on Him more or give into the "temptations and enticements of Satan", who is always lurking around waiting to see if we will invite him in. He knows our weaknesses and makes it difficult for us to find our way. There's a saying/quote that I couldn't find but goes something like, When the door is opened the light enters, not the other way around. (anyone know it?)

We are going to be tested in this life. That's one of the main reasons why we are here on this earth. We knew it was going to be hard yet, we chose to come down, to get a body and it is how we persevere through it all that will determine what we have gained in the next life.
My friend also reminded me, "...It seems I am like that the most when my life is going really well. . .which I found odd, so I really searched myself and decided that it was Satan trying to ruin a good thing.  He is always trying to make us feel down. He tries to make us feel like we have to live up to everyone else's standards, that our self worth is based on how much we get done in a day..."


I am so grateful for wise friends! ;)


I am so grateful for prophets that lead us and guide us.


I am most grateful for a loving Savior that holds out his hand infinitely and shows me the light and way to go. And gives me opportunities to learn and grow as I have prayed to do. And contrary to belief, I am grateful for being asked, again, to talk in sacrament meeting:) .