Tuxedo Ready

When our little Ethan passed away, my mom had made Ethan a little tuxedo that he could wear to be buried in. As my mom was making his tuxedo, she felt impressed to make and sew another one. After finishing that one, she again felt impressed to make a few more tuxedos. She didn't know why at first but then knew why- to donate them to the University of Utah Hospital for other little boys that might not make it.

I told my mom to leave her address for those that wanted to contact her to thank her. (I know I would want to thank someone for a tuxedo for my son). So she did, and just today she received a letter from a family in Utah who had twins-a boy and a girl. They wrote that their son had passed away just two days after he was born and that they buried him in the little tuxedo that my mom had made. Their twins were born 16 weeks early and their little girl, Kassidy was still fighting hard to live. I pray that their little girl lives and that this family can have peace with their son's passing. It's a devastating thing to lose a child and I just pray that they feel that peace and love as we did during this most difficult time. I am also grateful for my mom for listening to the spirit and acting on those impressions she felt. She has taught me so much about prayer and listening to those promptings. She has had some amazing experiences through out her life and I just really admire her strength in the Lord.

Ryan and I have been told by doctors and nurses that boys just have a harder time when born so early. They don't fight as hard as girls do for some reason. Even though that may be true, for Ryan and I, we have always felt that Ethan came down to help Emily down because she was too scared to come alone and he was being that "Big" brother for her. I haven't spoken too much about Ethan since his passing, because some things are just sacred and it can still be difficult at times to talk about. But as I heard about this sweet family going through a similar situation as we did, my heart aches for them and my thoughts turned to our little boy. Tomorrow we are headed out as a family to visit him where he was buried. So this letter that this sweet family wrote made me want to share just a few personal experiences that happened to our family.

When the twins were born, Ryan gave them each a blessing. When he placed his hands on Ethan's head he told Ethan to be obedient. We didn't really understand at the time why Ryan had said that. And as more and more time passed we knew Ethan wasn't going to make it. Before taking Ethan off the ventilator, Ryan once again was able to give him a father's blessing. Which again, he felt impressed to tell Ethan to be obedient. Soon after Ethan's passing we realized why, or came to the impression as to why, that was said. Ethan's time on earth was about finished. Ethan had fulfilled his mission on earth and he needed to be obedient to our Heavenly Father and return home, however much Ethan wanted to stay with us and his sister, Emily, he needed to return home. So he did. And as I was holding him I was overcome with so much peace and I felt as though I were being held myself. The words, "I'm ready, Mom. I'll be okay" came to my mind and I looked at Ethan and knew. I told Ryan and he felt the same. We knew that it was time to let him go.

There isn't a day that goes by I don't think about him. It's hard looking at Emily and not thinking of Ethan in some way too. What he would look like? What would his smile be like? What color would his eyes be? What would his personality be like? ...so many questions. However, we KNOW this is what was supposed to happen and we KNOW we will see him again. And knowing those two things bring us peace and a calm assurance that it is indeed true.