Thinking of You...

It's been 4 years since you passed away, and a day hasn't passed that I haven't thought of you. A few people have asked me when you are brought up in conversations, if it makes me sad, and if it's too hard to talk about you. What I say is, yes it is sometimes sad and hard. But it's always a gift. Each conversation that I get to talk about you is a gift. Each time I get to say your name, is a gift. Each time I get to think of a memory of holding you, is a gift. I love that I have you as my son. I may not get to raise you on this earth, but I will never forget that you are my son waiting for us on the other side. And just so you know we had your named picked out years before you were even born as we always knew we were going to have a son named Ethan. We miss you and love you so much.

 A friend of mine posted this quote on Facebook and tagged me in it and I just thought I would share it as this is exactly how I feel when Ethan is brought up...

"If you know someone who has lost a child and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died--you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died. What you're reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and that is a great gift. " Elizabeth Edward

I am grateful to those who bring up my son in conversation sometimes because they knew he lived and want to remember him and that is a great gift. He is as much a part of this family as any of our kids. Yes, we don't get to see him, or interact with him, but he is there with us all the time. 

Just yesterday I was talking to the girls about Ethan and Madisen got a little teary-eyed and said she misses him. Madisen never even got to meet Ethan but there is a loss there that she feels and also a proud-ness (if that's what you call it) too that she has a brother. And she knows he is looking over her.

I find the hardest question to answer is when people ask me how many kids I have. I always say silently to myself "four". Yet, sometimes it isn't always easy to tell that to others. And it always takes me a second longer before I able to answer that question, as many times I have the word "four" on my tongue, but the word, "ff-three" comes out instead. I say "three", mainly because I don't want to make people or the situation feel awkward, or for them to have to tell me they are sorry for my loss. So I hesitantly answer "ff-three". Three kids. But by saying that, it always makes me feel sad. Like I am leaving out a big part of my life.

So from now on when someone asks me how many kids I have, I am going to have the courage to say 4. Because to me, I have 4 kids. I don't need to go into detail about it unless asked further. But I have to say four from now on. It's too hard not to anymore. Because telling others I have four kids is a great gift. To Ethan and myself mostly.  


We love our little boy so much and we know we will get to see him again.