"The tender mercies of the Lord are real and . . . they do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence. Often, the Lord's timing of His tender mercies helps us to both discern and acknowledge them. ". . . The Lord's tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and though the Lord Jesus Christ." David A. Bednar
First of all, it Fast and Testimony meeting yesterday; my favorite Sunday. The spirit was so so incredibly strong. I was so emotional and didn't know why. I was weepy in Sacrament, Sunday school, and all through Relief Society. The Lesson in Relief Society was about, "The Loving Arms of God." The teacher talked about how He is always there to comfort us and lift us up, and His arms are especially around us during difficult moments and trials in our lives.
We have a family in our ward right now going through the exact same thing we went through 3 years ago. This new mom was pregnant with quadruplets! She lost one early on in her pregnancy, and then lost another, a girl, around 20 weeks. She came down with preeclampsia and had to delivery her other 2 babies at 25 weeks. She gave birth to a girl and a boy. Their little girl survived for three days before being called back home. Now their only child left is their son, Nate and he fighting hard to live every day. At 1 pound 10 ounces he is going through many of the struggles Emily and Ethan did. I pray that he lives and becomes their miracle baby. I can't imagine losing 3 children already, as having to lose one child was hard enough. I don't know this family, but my heart aches for them as our stories are similar in many ways.
As the teacher was giving this beautiful lesson she briefly talked about this family in our ward. As you can imagine it was hard for me to hold back the tears. I was already emotional and weepy all through the other meetings... why not keep going? Then the teacher asked me to read a scripture for her. I was kind of caught off guard by the scripture, because the scripture was John 14 : 18, 27. It reads, "I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you...Peace I leave with you, and my peace I give unto you...Let not your heart be troubled." The question that came with it was, "What are the promises given in these scriptures if we depend on the Savoir?
I could barely get through reading the scripture out loud as I was crying so hard, then to also have to share what I felt about it, I was uncontrollable! I briefly told of my own experience losing our son and the power of His loving arms around me so intense and so immediate, that I knew without a doubt I was being held in His arms, as I was holding my own child. I have never felt such peace and comfort as I did the day our son passed away. I know we will be with Ethan again. I know because I received an overwhelming feeling that the covenants Ryan and I made in the temple on August 31, 2002, the day we were sealed, if we but keep them, will bring the blessings of immortality AND eternal life. That means, not only will we live forever, but we will be with our son again and all our children and grandchildren for generations to come. I am so grateful for this knowledge and for our Saviors atonement that made this possible for us and everyone who has ever lived on the earth..
I left Relief Society after the lesson early as I needed some Kleenex asap! (as mascara was burning my eyes!) And there, I run into my husband in the hallway. He of course was concerned about me and I told him briefly what happened. We got home and I just needed time to be alone for awhile. I went in the bedroom and sat on the bed with a picture of Ethan and just wept. I wept like I did the day he died. It wasn't an hour later that Ryan came bolting into the room and told me it was May 6th!
May 6th. The day Ethan was called back home. How could I have possibly forgotten!?!?
I felt so guilty ... How could I have NOT remembered what day it was?? What a terrible mother I am!!
Yet, it was like my spirit KNEW all along. Ethan was right there with me at church, holding me this time, as I wept for him. The spirit was so strong and so real, that I know Ethan was there making sure I did not forget him or that I wasn't alone as I ached for him. Time does have a way of making things easier, but sometimes the emotions are right at the surface as if he just passed away yesterday...which he did, 3 years ago.
I don't know exactly why Ethan was taken from us. I don't know why bad things happen sometimes. But what I do know is that Ethan was very good. He was valiant and obedient. He came down to be the "big" brother for his sister Emily. He fulfilled his mission here by gaining a body and is now in a better place doing the calling he was meant to do. I know Heavenly Father loves us and is mindful of our needs, our wants, our troubles and our heart ache. I miss Ethan a lot. Some days the heart ache of losing him, is more intense than others. Yet, having the promise that we will be with Ethan again someday makes this life worth it.
This was a very personal experience to share with so many, but I can't help but feel so grateful for this experience and so many others that I wanted to share it with you. Thanks for listening with an open heart.
We love you Ethan! We can't wait to be with you and hold you again! Until then, 11:11 always.
Love you,
Mom
