"Joy in the Journey"

As I was writing this post on and off this morning, I got emails from two friends and this is what they had to say, "I just wanted to check up on you, you haven't posted anything on your blog for a while and I was making sure you are okay." And my other friend said, "How are you? I noticed you haven't updated your blog..."

AWW!! Ok. So before I go into what's been on my mind lately, I want to start with something positive. I have always felt that I have been extremely BLESSED with the most amazing friends ever put on the earth! All of YOU, you are amazing people, neighbors, sisters, wives, mothers and friends. Even if I didn't have anything else in my life, just your friendships, I would still consider myself one of the most blessed! Thanks for your friendships and concerns.

So to answer my friends' questions, my lack of blogging or lack of interest in blogging, is partly due to "nose in a good book(s)", (which I have some more books I want to recommend, maybe for a later post), but also because a few days after Halloween, somehow we lost the little memory card that goes in our camera to be able to take pictures. It's just easier when you have a picture to write about and the fact that I LOVE pictures. You don't have to have pictures to blog, I know, but that's just the excuse I am going to use. The last month or so, I have also been a bit (ok, truth is VERY and I am not even sure what the right word is... frustrated, discouraged, maybe annoyed) with some things. (Mostly just frustrated with myself.) Chalk them up on my, "I need to change this about myself," list, as it has substantially grown since the last year or so.

I would have thought that by getting older that I would be less moody and irritated by fewer and fewer things that I do, because I would be becoming "better" but it appears that it is the exact opposite. Why? I really can't put my finger on it, maybe I am going through a mid-life crisis and am trying to salvage what remaining youthful years I have left. Because as of lately it has just occured to me that I am closer to thirty then to twenty and just knowing that I can never go back makes me feel a bit... depressed? (I know some of you are closer to 30 than I am or have reached that milestone sometime ago) Nevertheless, this, along with other pressing matters, has been lingering in my thoughts the past few months and I thought, maybe writing about it might help. So this post might be "mild" complaining, some pet peeves, or maybe an early mid-life crisis?! So here I go... (If you don't want to read all this don't worry, it won't make me feel bad because I won't even know! :)

It's been hard having Ryan gone so much. I thought I was adjusting just fine, even telling myself and others that, maybe to convince myself that I am just that, "fine" (that makes me sound stuck-up, I don't mean in the beauty context but just in how I FEEL.) Some days are fine, but I have noticed that I have been just doing what I need to do to get through the day. A day without too much chaos, as in: a trip to the ER, poop on the floor, or spilled-milk (no pun intended) is condsidered a FINE day. Last week I was with a friend of mine getting our major bum whipping done at the gym, and she had said something about having "joy in the journey". This really struck me like it hasn't ever before, (maybe because with Ryan gone, I have been just trying to survive each day.) I have heard that several times as most of us have, but I really thought hard about what it means to me and how I can APPLY that to my life. Ryan is the life of our family, he makes things fun and smooths things out with his never-ending patience and because with Ryan gone so much, it's been a struggle for me in so many ways. Last night as I was fixing dinner the girls were crying, and I thought ok, how can I make this a better situtaion? So I started singing(trying to) and dancing as I was cooking, which I do sometimes, but forget when I am tired or not in the "mood". But after having that "Aha" moment in the gym, I have been focusing on having "joy in the journey". So simply by dancing and having fun with the girls, it got them in a better mood. Soon Madi took Avery's hand and they started dancing, singing and laughing together. Though I am still not as good at this as I would like to be, I am trying to make a conscious effort to do better and find the JOY.

But I have also been upset with myself as I am so often for letting MY ANGER get the best of me, and when it does this is what happens... voice starts to rise, finger starts pointing and shaking so frantically it seems I have instantaneously developed Parkinsons' disease. And even before I can get my ranting 15 seconds of lecture in, (because we all know that kids have a little more attention span than a goldfish) Madi's eyes go wondering and I know her thoughts are obviously preoccupied with some dinosaur being trapped underneath the laundry basket from across the room. So in my attempt at not yelling or going insane, I try and remain calm as once again gaining eye contact with Madi and firmly tell her for the 100th time, that even though it was an accident...pooping in our pants is not "cool". *sigh* Seriously, how do you get it in kids' heads that the toilet is where we drop that stuff off?! And then again, I have to tell myself, "find joy in the poop"... I mean, "journey."

The other thing that has been bugging me is all the whining. (Like I AM DOING right now! haha...) I mean my girls are so fun sometimes and they play and laugh together a lot. But when they are both tired and whining, Mom isn't happy. And you know the saying, "When mom ain't happy, no one is." There is such truth in that! Yet, I know that I can change the mood. If I am happy, they are more likely to become happy. (Ryan is really good at that. I am so lucky that all my pleading paid off and he relented to marrying me!) Yesterday was especially trying for me- (must be that time of the month, Ryan would probably say, it's always that "time" of the month). Ryan is such a great husband, even last night he came home at 10:30pm and surprised me with a card that sings and a rose. Thanks honey!

Other thoughts I have had lately, is that through out life (my almost 26 years on earth, phew that's old! haha jk.), I have always gone along or done what people tell me to do, I have never wanted to offend or get into any kind of disagreement or argument. It's just not worth it. So it has always been just easier to do whatever I am told or go along with what someone else wants or thinks. Now first off, I am not a saint. This doesn't mean I am a peacemaker, though I try, I don't always succeed. Second, I am not writing this to get sympathy, or for you to think that I am a victim of harsh put-downs and being walked-on. I don't necessarily feel that way. And third, this doesn't mean I don't have my own opinions or I can't think for myself. (You all know how much I can talk once I get started!) I have just tired to put other people first, as most of us do. I will stop here.

Ok, now that I have conquered having the most negative post ever, haha... sorry! (I think I have been just going through some weird "things" lately with Ryan gone and needing to work on myself- to be a better person. It's probably just hormones. Maybe I am PREGNANT. haha! No I am not. That's not even funny. Because if I was pregnant, I would be throwing up night and day! And I would not be laughing. But getting pregnant has been on my mind...hmm) Thanks for your listending "ears". I feel better that I have gotten ALL that off my chest (though it is a small chest) it feels good to get it off. :)

So what I have learned and what I am consciously trying to think about daily when chaos does emerged: Find Joy in the Journey.

"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."

This has become my new motto for MY life.