Personal thoughts and Some Good News!

Yesterday was a really hard, emotional day for me. I actually thought I was doing ok, until Ryan came home for lunch and saw that the dounuts I had bought the night before were completely gone. He said, "Where did all those dounuts go?" I had bought a big package of mini chocolate dounuts, which I never do...and I had ate the entire package, not even realizing it!! Of course, I tried blaming it on Avery, Madi and even the dog across the street, but Ryan knew it was all me. Dang it! :0 I usually don't take my stress out on food, but since I can't go running to relieve it, due to my C-section, I guess I turned to eating! And boy, did I EAT yesterday! Ryan even said later that night, "I thought you went grocery shopping?" haha! Now that I have realized I ate all day yesterday, I was more aware of that today and stayed away from the dounuts. (That doesn't mean, I didn't have any cookies! ;))

Ryan and I feel like we have been tossed in a tornado, and the moment we feel like we are coming out of it, we are being thrown into another one. There's many questions that Ryan and I have about what went wrong and what happened. As Ryan and I were driving to Utah on Wednesday, to be with Emily and Ethan, we talked a lot about these things. But in the end we both came to realize that it wasn't doing any good to dwell on things we can't change. We know everything happens for a reason. We don't know why, or what the purpose is, and maybe we will never know what or why our babies came so early, but we both feel a lot of peace that everything will be ok. Whether that is having the priviledge to raise both Emily and Ethan here on the earth or after this life, we are not sure.

Many of you have been wondering how Emily's surgery went. Well I am very happy to report it went very well and she is doing really good. We feel very blessed that it went so well and that her blood pressure seemed to immediately improve afterwards and it is back where it needs to be. The nurses have said they might even move Emily into the next room, room 2, where the more "stable" babies go. In room 2 they usually have one nurse to watch over 1-2 babies at a time. Ethan, however, will continue to stay in room 1 where he will be monitored more closely, as he is in a more critical state than Emily. This is good news for our Emily, but it also makes me sad, as I feel that having Ethan and Emily so close to one another makes me think they are fighting this battle together and helping each other through it.

They both still have severe lung disease, but we actually just got a phone call from the hospital a few hours ago and they said that Ethan's lungs have begun to improve already! His x-rays show an improvement of his lung tissues and they were able to decrease the speed of the oxygen levels going into his lungs, which means they are not having to pump oxygen into his lungs as hard. Which is great news, as it will be less pressure on his lung tissues. It's a small change, but anything positive is always SOOO good to hear! Getting news like this makes me feel so grateful, yet at the same time it is also hard because I feel weak at times and wish I had more faith. Many of you have commented that we are strong, but to be honest, I feel completely weak sometimes and I need to learn to have more faith in our Heavenly Father and his plan for our family. For the most part I feel pretty positive and peaceful, but when you hear such bad news from the doctors it really makes you question what went wrong. Yet, I know Heavenly Father knows what is best for our children and our family and I trust Him.

Ryan gave both Emily and Ethan a blessing on Wednesday. And in the blessing to Ethan, Ryan felt impressed to say some things that gave Ryan and I such peace. Yet, the next day, I was begining to question and doubt... Then when we get the good news like this today, I think to myself, "Why do I doubt so fast? Why can't I have more faith?" Although today, I feel a lot better and have felt that same peace I did on Wednesday.

I rarely write such personal things from my heart, but I felt impressed to share what I have been feeling lately. Ryan and I both feel very blessed and so grateful for all of your support. It is hard to express in words how grateful we are to each of you and for the many prayers, fasts, gifts, service, and donations we have received in behalf of our family.

Here are a few pictures we took on Wednesday...

Our little Boy!

Emily right before the sugery.

Emily with Ryan after the surgery

Emily and me after the surgery

Ryan and Ethan
Me and Ethan